I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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