she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
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If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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