I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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