I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
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