if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
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I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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