When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
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They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
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So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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