there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
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WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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