he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
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