I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
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My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
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No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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