Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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