Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
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I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
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He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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