Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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