she woke up with a sticky ear
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
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his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
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Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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