You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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