Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
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Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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