You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize