so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
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I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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