I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
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You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
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The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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