What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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