for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
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I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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