Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
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Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
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There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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