I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
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i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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