im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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