Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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