if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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