What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
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I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
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My breasts were aching with rage.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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