There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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