What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
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Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
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How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
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