I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
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Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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