i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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