Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
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I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
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It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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