I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
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i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
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I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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