He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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