We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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