i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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