So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
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She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
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Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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