you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
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At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
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I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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