I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
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the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
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let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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