U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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