now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
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Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
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what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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