he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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