This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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