Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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