i love accidental penises.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Houston, we have a squirter
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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