I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize