Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
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I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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