my mouth tastes like poor choices
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
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I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
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My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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