I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
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