my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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