Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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